VANCOUVER – After twenty minutes of interesting and flirtatious conversation, local man Andrew Chen believes his date to be going pretty well, unaware of the fact that a red dot has been ho…
Friend never figured Dave for kind of guy to be killed by vampire hunter
WINDSOR, ON – Following the destruction of his friend Dave at the hands of a vampire slayer this afternoon, local man Mark Fresno has expressed mild surprise at the manner of his friendR…
Nobody in national defence headquarters remembers what flashing red light means
OTTAWA – Hours after the dusty light bulb in the corner of every office inside the National Defence Headquarters began to flash red, the entire civilian and military staff of the building r…
Experts: your kids may be using internet to look up recipes containing gluten
TORONTO – Police and educators say that parents aren’t educating their children enough about internet use, and warn that a growing number of young people are using the internet to search fo…
News story about contaminated chocolate milk has local man really craving chocolate milk
TORONTO – A recent news story about recalled Beatrice chocolate milk being contaminated with sanitizers has local man Alex Hallman really craving chocolate milk. “Something something chemic…
For first time, computer wins game of chess against Death
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – After defeating a human player in the game of Go, Google’s Deepmind AlphaGo computer has also become the first computer to win a game of chess against Death. “We’re thri…
Panelists decide which author to execute on day 3 of Canada Reads
TORONTO – Partway through another day of grueling debate, the Canada Reads panelists are still deciding which of the three remaining authors will be sacrificed today to guarantee another ye…
Rob Ford’s death hitting nation way harder than expected
TORONTO – Although he was by all accounts a bad mayor and a deeply flawed person, the nation has been surprised to find itself bereft by the loss of one of its most notable public figures. …
ISIS fighters defect to join small midwestern town
AL-RAQQAH, SYRIA – Sources inside the Islamic State expressed shock today as several fighters boarded aircraft for Missouri with the intention of dwelling peacefully in the quiet suburb of …
Nanotechnology firm unveils world’s smallest severance package
SILICON VALLEY – In what has been hailed as a major breakthrough in the hyper-competitive world of nanotechnology, tech giant PikoTekk Industries has unveiled the world’s smallest ever severance …
