TORONTO – A night out with the boys has proven to be just what local man Pouyan Shah needed to take his mind off of the biosphere’s ongoing collapse. “It was so great to just hang out with …
Mirror selfie ruined by grinning apparition
DEER CREVICE, ON – Despite weeks of working out and drinking protein shakes, local man Jared Allman’s attempts to take an attractive photograph of himself in the mirror are consistently rui…
Tories continue to rebrand by removing wicker man ritual from party constitution
OTTAWA – After recently ending their opposition to gay marriage, the Conservative Party of Canada is continuing to rebrand, this time by resolving to no longer burn human captives inside of…
Man at gym takes off shirt to show bulging biceps on third arm
TORONTO – In a show of machismo earlier this morning, local man Kyle Dresden removed his shirt while working out so that he could unfold the third arm from behind his back and show off its …
Guy in wraparound shades fully prepared to show ISIS who they’re dealing with
BANCROFT, ON – Decked out in camouflage pants, wraparound sunglasses and a fresh bicep tattoo, local badass Dave Kringler is ready to rock and roll the exact moment ISIS gives him a reason …
Generous Trudeau gives each Syrian refugee one free topless pic
OTTAWA – With just over 25,000 Syrian refugees having been allowed into the country, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has enacted an even more generous policy by offering each and every one of…
After 90 years, Queen Elizabeth II still refuses to fight me
BY DOUG QUAID With her birthday today, Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating 90 years of life, and with it, 90 years of refusing to meet with me in fair combat. Since ascending to the throne at the t…
Local survivor gnaws off own arm to escape street canvasser
TORONTO – In a harrowing tale of survival, local hiker Todd Barnett has managed to escape a street canvasser by removing his left arm with nothing but his own front teeth. “I’m an experienc…
Feds announce all social programs to be paid for by Uncle Roy’s tax dollars
OTTAWA – In a bold move, finance minister Bill Morneau has announced that all of the Liberal government’s new social programming will be paid for personally by the tax dollars of Uncle Roy.…
Panama law firm pretty pleased they were able to hide the human-hunting stuff
PANAMA CITY – Representatives of Mossack Fonseca, the law firm at the center of the Panama Papers leak, have spent the days since the leak visibly relieved that none of the human-hunting st…