TORONTO – On closer inspection, the ‘In Memoriam’ section of a respected news site has turned out to be a piece of native advertising. “John William Stearns (b. 1943) was a loving father, w…
ISIS claims responsibility after Saleem’s home-brewed IPA tastes like crap
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Just hours after Saleem cracked the first bottle of his home-brewed ‘Malternative Hop’ IPA, the international terrorist organization ISIS has claimed responsibility and pr…
Political culture becoming dangerously polarized, says guy worse than Stalin
OTTAWA – Political discourse in the English-speaking world is becoming increasingly oppositional, says one researcher who is Hitler reborn, but this time with a bit of Pol-Pot and Saddam th…
Reconciliation: Trudeau shares 30 seconds of intense eye contact with every First Nations person
OTTAWA – After nearly 150 years of colonialism and cultural genocide, Canada is mending fences by granting every First Nations person in the country 30 seconds of intimate eye-contact with …
Man sticking up restaurant politely asks for Wi-Fi password
SUDBURY, ON – Shortly after producing a gun and screaming for everybody in the restaurant to get down on the ground, local armed robber Josh Radomsky is quietly asking servers for the Wi-Fi…
For first time, Tim Hortons releases line of products low in radium
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Breaking with tradition after more than half a century, Tim Hortons has released a line of products containing only a pretty good amount of radium. “Today’s co…
Trump promises America endless sexual pleasure through ritual mutilation
CLEVELAND – In a controversial speech at the Republican National Convention, Donald Trump promised the United States that undying sexual rapture could be theirs, if only they would give the…
Liberals replace Black Hand Jones and Scarnose, among other Harper-era ambassadors
OTTAWA – The Liberal government and Foreign Affairs Minister Stéphane Dion have appointed several new ambassadors this week, replacing Grimguts McGree, Black Hand Jones, and other controver…
On-point sock game does nothing to save local man from the void
TORONTO – Although he has replaced his plain white socks with bold and colourful ones, local man Allen Cheung will still know the cold taste of oblivion and the comfortless embrace of the g…
Report: all that bad stuff at Marineland probably fixed by now
NIAGARA FALLS, ON – A new report affirms all the bad stuff you remember hearing about Marineland a couple of years ago is ‘probably cleared up by now.’ “Oh sure, after all that bad publicit…