WINNIPEG – Taking time out of its busy day of pursuing suspects from above, the Winnipeg Police Services helicopter was down to earth playing road hockey with some youngsters in the North E…
Autopsy confirms Paddy Murphy died of alcohol poisoning
ST JOHN’S – An autopsy of Patrick Murphy has confirmed that the local man died after a long night of binge drinking with his friends on George Street. “Every drink in the place was full the…
Yellow vests in Canada: ‘We’re not racist if you ignore the things we say and do’
EDMONTON – Setting the record straight, members of the populist yellow vest movement are claiming that they are tolerant and respectful if you ignore what they have been saying and doing. “…
Cat aggressively reclaims furniture that moved five feet to the left
NEW WESTMINSTER, BC – A cat has re-taken control of a small IKEA armchair after his owner shifted the piece of furniture to another corner in the room. Podge, a seven-year-old Tabby, conduc…
Premier Ford credits self for sunrise
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford and his government has claimed credit for this morning’s sunrise, which occurred at approximately 7:51 AM in Toronto earlier today. “Getting rid of the c…
Police stopping more drivers for random roadside jesting
TIMMINS, ON – A record number of motorists across the country have been pulled over by police for mandatory roadside jesting. A recent report has shown that since new jesting laws were pass…
Trudeau instructs Canadarm to extend middle finger every time it orbits over Alberta
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. November 12, 1981 143 KM ABOVE THE EARTH – In a move that has furthe…
Chinese government inviting Canadian tourists with authentic geopolitical prisoner experience
BEIJING – The Chinese government is wooing more Canadians to take in the comfort of a customary cell block, breathtaking interrogations, and quiet isolation as part of their new Chinese geo…
Judge grants bail to Huawei exec under condition she be tracked like a Canadian using Google
VANCOUVER – A judge has granted Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou bail under the condition that she turns on her phone’s track location setting where she will be carefully followed like an ordinary, …
