RIYADH, KSA – As Saudi Arabia’s new comedy festival welcomes talent from around the world, local executioner Imad Usman is excited for the opportunity to perform in front of larger audiences.
“I’m going to open with some classic crowd-horrifiers, like beheading an apostate and beheading a burglar,” Usman told reporters. “Then, of course, I’ll finish big by beheading an anti-death penalty protestor.”
“I’ve been working on some meta-execution material lately,” Usman added, sharpening his axe.
Usman, who’s been a fixture of Saudi Arabia’s underground execution scene for years, is relishing the chance to go mainstream.
“I think a lot of people are going to be surprised by my technique,” Usman said. “Let’s just say that anyone sitting up front is in the splash zone. They call me the Gallagher of the indie execution scene for a reason.”
While western comedians like Dave Chapelle, Kevin Hart, and Aziz Ansari are facing criticism for joining an event funded by one of the world’s leading human rights abusers, participants have defended their decision on the basis that slave labour builds some really nice comedy venues.
“Comedy is all about speaking truth to power,” said Bill Burr. “I’m going to get up there and boldly say, ‘Thank you, power, for giving me a very big paycheque.”
“Laughter is universal,” said Russell Peters. “Maybe if I make some people in power laugh by doing a funny voice, they’ll be less inclined to kidnap and butcher journalists.”
Usman then beheaded the journalists asking questions.
While beheading acts are less popular in the west, festival organisers have defended Usman’s routine.
“Executions ensure that only moral, law-abiding citizens will get to watch Louis C.K.,” a spokesman said. “We experimented with making criminals watch Jim Jefferies’ set instead, but they said they’d rather be executed.”
In addition to stand-up, sketch, improv, and beheadings, the festival will also feature a roast of Mohammed bin Salman.
“From what cool robes he’s wearing to how much we all like him, you can bet we’re not going to let the crown prince off the hook,” said Pete Davidson. “We’ll show him comedy’s superpower of free speech, within the strict content guidelines we agreed to.”
“I can’t wait to see some of my idols really take it to the prince,” Usman said. “It will be a real shame if I have to behead any of them.”
At press time, Usman was doing some crowd work by asking audience members where they were visiting from, then beheading them.
