KELOWNA, BC – An empanelled jury hearing the murder trial of Dr. Kenneth Pritchard has expressed bitter disappointment after hearing that the defendant was accused of killing his victim with a dumb ol’ gun.
“At first, I was so stoked to be picked to sit on a murder trial, and even more so once I learned that the guy was a dentist. I mean just imagine all the wild ways he could have killed the guy!” said Juror #7 following the third day of trial, “but as soon as they brought out the murder weapon and I saw it was just a stupid pistol, it was complete Snoozeville from then on out.”
Excitement for the salacious details of murder-by-dentist began even before the commencement of trial, with jurors speculating which of his many dental tools Dr. Pritchard must have used to probably stab his patient or maybe his hygienist. As the Crown prosecutor began detailing the conspicuous presence of an excessive number of Nitrous Oxide canisters, a conveniently leaky nasal hood, and post-mortem signs of poisoning, the jury became certain that the tooth doctor likely gassed his victim while cackling maniacally from behind his face mask. In fact, the anticipation for learning the doctor’s modus operandi was so palpable that when the bog standard Smith and Wesson 9mm was finally revealed, a collective shout of “Oh fuck off! Really?!” emanated from the jury box.
“I mean the options are endless! He could have drowned them in the spit sink! Or smothered them with the lead vest! Or bombarded them with x-rays until they slowly succumbed to cancer over the subsequent years! But instead, he uses a fucking gun! A gun?!” screamed Juror #2 in the middle of closing arguments from the Crown.
“God damn it! He didn’t even kill the guy in his clinic! He shot him in the parking garage of his brother’s condo over some unpaid loan. What wasted potential!”, the same Juror continued during the statement given by the victim’s weeping children.
Indeed, jurors were so let down by the complete lack of creative means of dispatching the victim that several asked the judge mid-trial if they could be re-assigned to another crime, perhaps something sexier. By way of notes passed up to Justice Cornwall, jurors inquired whether there was a fire-fighter/arson case or maybe a mortician/body-snatching situation they could get in on. The court was forced to repeatedly remind them that “not cool enough” was not valid grounds for a mis-trial.
“I think the real lesson to be taken from this is that if you’re in a profession with a lot of neat ways to kill someone, you should take advantage of the opportunity and definitely murder with them,” said Juror #3 after the trial, “otherwise you’re just running the risk of boring the hell out of your jury who obviously came expecting to be entertained.”
Ultimately, the jury acquitted Dr. Pritchard saying that at least they weren’t part of the seven-week trial next door involving the sky-diving instructor who simply beat someone to death.
