WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a contentious meeting where US President Donald Trump failed to convince Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to sign a deal giving America access to Ukraine minerals, Trump received an from Russian President Vladimir Putin with the header “What did you do for me last week?”
Trump, who spent much of the weekend drafting means tweets about the Oscars, receiving the following email from Putin at 4:00amEST:
“Reply to this letter with 5 bullet points of actions you took last week to undermine America in the name of Russia. Failure to respond will be taken as a resignation from your role as carefully crafted Kremlin asset.”
White House insiders report Trump being “equally terrified and furious” by the tone of Putin’s email.
“First off, how dare anybody email a government employee like myself and demand they arbitrarily justify themself like this,” Trump fumed while making sure he wasn’t standing next to any open windows. “Does Putin even have the authority to fire Federal employees like that? The nerve!”
Upon being reminded that polonium can easily be added to a Diet Coke, President Trump reportedly spent much of the next day brainstorming his 5 bullet points with his senior staff.
“Okay, we ambushed that Zelensky nerd on live television, that’s gotta count for at least one bullet point,” Trump said as JD Vance took notes.
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth added how last week he ordered U.S. Cyber Command to stand down from all digital planning against Russia, which Trump then declared that he would steal and add as one of his own 5 bullet points.
This gave Trump another idea, “Hey, get Elon on the phone, and see what kind of bullet points his DOGE teens have been getting from the federal employees we’re gonna fire anyway. We should be able to copy some of those answers.”
Upon asking whether he could add “Withdrew America from NATO Alliance” as a bullet point, Vance reminded Trump that wouldn’t be on the schedule until next week. Reports indicate that Trump spent the rest of the session musing on how unfairly Putin was treating him.
“Geez, Vladimir demands 5 whole bullet points, when all he’s ever done for me is having his oligarchs launder money through my real estate for decades, then funnelling money to the Republicans through the NRA for years, and then colluding with my campaigns during the 2016, 2020, and 2024 elections,” Trump raged. “What does this asshole think I owe him?”
Trump then asked chief of staff Susie Wiles if “that time I called Putin a nice guy” would count as a bullet point, to which Wiles threw her hands up in the air and said “Sure, what the hell? He’ll like that.”
Relieved to have 60% of the email written, Trump called the meeting to an end and ordered his cabinet to finish while he watched the WWE Elimination Chamber.
