Toronto, ON – Addressing the media today, Ontario Premier Doug Ford presented compelling new evidence that bicycles – not cars – are the main cause of congestion in apartment building hallways.
“My bike-obsessed opponents make the ludicrous argument that cars are somehow responsible for traffic,” said Ford. “But that doesn’t make sense. Cars are fast. Traffic is slow.”
The Premier has long stuck to his convictions that bikes and bike lanes are the cause of congestion, despite countless studies proving otherwise. He has finally produced one report to back his argument, albeit on a technicality.
“Some people leave their bikes in the hall outside their apartment. That can lead to gridlock when other people try to get past with their own bikes. Bikes also take up so much space in the elevator, causing elevator congestion at peak hours,” reads the entire report, which Ford printed using double-spaced, size 48 font and stapled to the front of the auditor general’s Ontario Place report to make it look more impressive.
Strictly speaking, the study has nothing to do with Ontario’s traffic problems. Ford seems to have just Googled the words “bike” and “gridlock” and paraphrased a post he found in a Facebook group where members complain about minor annoyances in their rental units. But the Premier has always demonstrated an aptitude for misinterpreting reports to justify his unpopular decisions, such as selling the Greenbelt, destroying the Ontario Science Center, and getting that haircut.
“Yeah, bike traffic is a problem in my apartment, I guess,” said Emily Gorham, who made the Facebook post that inspired Ford’s report. “But the real problem is the housing crisis that forces so many people to live in such small buildings. And the crappy public transit that means I have to ride my bike every day even in the winter. And the lack of safe places to keep my bike locked up outside.”
After carefully ignoring Gorham’s concerns, Premier Ford has proposed a ten-year, $48 billion project to increase the width of every apartment building hallway by 10 centimeters on either side. He assures residents they won’t even notice the 24-hour construction noise or their living spaces getting smaller.
“It is my duty as Premier of Toronto to fight gridlock in the city in every way I can,” said Ford. “Wait, shit…”
