BRAMPTON, ON – In their ever-increasing efforts to prevent customers from leaving the store without paying for their goods, grocery monolith Loblaws will now force all patrons to consume everything they have purchased before leaving the store.
“This is a tough, but fair, scenario, which our loyal customers are sure to understand,” said Sidney Davies, Head of Loss Prevention with Loblaws. “We’re sure Canadians will prefer the protection of our precious, precious, profit margins over the physical health of their fellow citizens.”
In furtherance of expanding the program nationwide, Loblaws has already started sending out additional job ads for Cramming Associates, who will staff the exit doors and closely monitor customers to ensure they shove every last morsel of food into their gullets before leaving. Receipts will be used to check off each foodstuff, as it is placed in increasingly excruciating fashion into their bodies. Those who try to leave the store with actual food still in their possession will be labeled a “LoblawOutlaw ” with the words “StockThief” branded into their forehead.
“Yes, we expect that many may come to resent this necessary step,” Davies continued. “And yes, we fully anticipate that individual parents shopping on their own for a family of four will certainly suffer profound abdominal ruptures during this process. But isn’t Galen Weston’s ability to continue to sleep on a bed made of endangered condor heads, and defile as many Faberge eggs as he wishes, truly what our country needs right now?”
Customers who have recently participated in the store’s new program have described it as “agonizing”, “humiliating”, and “actually mostly in keeping with how it has felt to shop at Loblaws generally over the past few years”. Internal documents leaked by company insiders suggest that the tactic will represent Step 1 in a 32 part plan to completely erode any feelings of receiving a modicum of service or value at Loblaws supermarkets.
As well, managers of Loblaw’s pharmacy sections anticipate a sharp increase in customer complaints, particularly among those purchasing toothpaste, condoms, and tampons.
“If our customers enjoy their experience in our stores, then it’s almost as though they’re stealing from us, right?” Davies explained gently. “So to combat this emotional theft, we simply ask our patrons to prove their loyalty by devouring everything on the spot, bones and packaging included.”
In a related story, local maple syrup sale at Loblaws kills 38.
