TORONTO – Workers on the Spadina subway extension who discovered an enormous subterranean chamber of skulls this morning say that they’re just going to seal it back up and move on with their lives.
“Nope,” said Saeed Rafiq, construction worker with the Toronto Transit Commission. “Can’t deal with this today. Or any day. But definitely not today.”
Sources have described the chamber as ‘vast and echoing, filled with rank on rank of human skulls, some pristine and white, others mottled with antiquity’, and also as something that they ‘didn’t find, not at all, no way Jose.’
“I mean, Mondays are tough enough as it is without trying to understand why thousands upon thousands of human skulls, all branded with the same mysterious symbol, are waiting for you, grinning, when you break through into a seeming-endless cave system,” said Linda Gronsten, electrician. “That’s why I’m glad today was just another, regular-old, boring crummy Monday,” she added through clenched teeth, while cold perspiration drenched her clothing.
Saeed says that the new track will take a huge detour around the chamber of skulls, and that if customers have a problem with that, then they can go excavate the chamber themselves, if it exists, which he is adamant that it does not.
“You know, people complain a lot about service delays,” said Transit Commission CEO Andy Byford in an editorial in Metro newspaper. “But, come on guys, would you be able to run a train system in a place where skulls just roll out onto the tracks and get crushed like candy sticks under the train wheels all the time, and then you need to get a whole team in there to clean all of the skull dust out from the mechanisms, theoretically speaking? No? Didn’t think so. After a while, it would really start to get to you, no matter how much you pretended that it wasn’t happening. Which it isn’t.”
This is not the first time that human skulls have been a part of Canadian railway history. Workers laying the Canadian Pacific railway in 1882 found that the planned route of the railway was already paved with millions of deformed little human skulls, each one whispering, ‘the trains, the trains’. This prompted the creation of the beloved “Railway of Skull” heritage minute in 1991.
