OTTAWA — With Canada’s upcoming legalization of marijuana, the Federal Government has reassigned dozens of former cannabis-sniffing dogs to work in various other ministries and departments.
The legalization date, slated for October 17th, has forced the early retirement of several sniffer dogs who will now be employed as research scientists, 911 operators, and policy analysts. However, several canine officers are reportedly unhappy.
“Yeah, Officer Bowser took it pretty hard,” said Lt. Chris Haverman of the RCMP’s Drugs and Organized Crime Division. “He busted a lot of potheads over the years, even some high level Colombian drug lords. But as soon as news came that he’d been transferred to a passport office in Saskatoon, he just put his tail between his legs and just whimpered. That’s no way for a good cop to go out.”
“I’ll never forget Bowser’s last day, when he handed in his badge and gun,” recounted Lt. Haverman. “Mostly because I went, ‘wait, how did this dog get a gun?’”
Government offices across the country are bracing for an influx of various German Shepards, Bloodhounds, and in one case, a Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever. “I’ve gotten Peanut’s paperwork all filed, and we’re confident that she’ll make an excellent Civil Engineer,” explained City of Calgary HR Director Rhonda Waxman.
“We just need Peanut to stop barking like crazy every time she runs into Randy from the mailroom,” Waxman added.
While the marijuana sniffing dogs have received numerous job assurances and perks via their strong union, including mandatory coffee and walkie breaks, problems have still arisen. Reports have surfaced that the former RCMP dogs have already run into problems with the notorious Phoenix pay system. Some newly-assigned canine employees are reportedly as many as 10,000 treats behind in their payment.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has emphasized that these dogs will not be allowed to get lost in the system. “These dogs have performed a vital service, and will continue to make excellent civil servants. For example, my new chief of staff Ringo has already caused a huge spike in my instagram likes,” the PM explained, displaying a selfie of himself hugging an adorable Australian Shepherd.
Back at RCMP Headquarters, the mood remained sombre as several former marijuana sniffers carried out cardboard boxes full of chew toys and half eaten rawhide sticks. “Then there’s Officer Scrapples. Only one year from retirement, though I guess that’s seven dog years. He kept insisting that he could re-train, and learn to sniff more than just marijuana, like guns or molly,” explained Lt. Haverman. “But you know what they say about an ‘old dog and new tricks’.”
“I just can’t believe where they re-assigned him,” Haverman lamented. “A dog as a Canada Post carrier? That’s gotta be the cruelest irony.”
