LAVAL, QC – Looking to find the cause of recent productivity losses, a report published Monday by the National Industrialist Survey says that 70% of all factory work stoppages are due at least in part to some form of chase scene occurring on one of the building’s conveyor belts.
“We just had one last week!” recounts Frank Iannucci, 52, co-author of the report and a head foreman at Le Bauvaille Lumber Processing Plant, in Laval, QC, adding that it was the third time in a month that two unknown men had trespassed on the facility property and began shooting at each other while running up on the main feed belt. “The chase was over in about seven minutes, ending after the chaser was cleverly knocked out using the unnecessary series of swinging logs we hang from the ceiling. But the paperwork alone put us back two days.”
The report states that in 90% of the cases, the assailants pay no compensation to the companies, despite damage to property in the form of oil on the ground to slip up the attacker, cut steam pipes and the obvious overheating damage to equipment when they inevitably set the conveyor belt to maximum speed. In 34% of cases, the chases are between a crook and a renegade cop with nothing left to lose followed closely behind by his partner who, admittedly, is getting too old for this shit, while 40% of the chasing involves a terrorist who has the only antidote to a poisoned secret agent who has fallen victim to an unfortunate case of mistaken identity or gruesome face-off experiment. Still, in 20% of the cases, the report states, some victims were tied to the conveyor belt after business hours in order to be slowly guided toward a series of buzzsaws or the pit of molten iron, which comes standard in all facilities of a certain size. In 100% of these cases the victims were rescued at the last second by a series of daring and clever acts, dumb luck, or by some masked vigilante. 2% of these conveyor belt chase work stoppages involve a woman dressed in a form fitting catsuit with an impossibly large gun.
“You’ve seen one chase, you’ve seen ‘em all,” said Pierre-Yves Gaston, a shop steward at the Laval plant, noting the factory’s sign indicating how many days since a conveyor belt chase will now have to be reset. “Though once this guy came in and he had two katanas!”
This report comes after a similar report released last week from the Mining Industry stating that 80% of all mining accidents are caused by precocious child detectives using mine shaft carts in a roller coaster like chase down to a bad guy’s evil, underground lair.
