VICTORIA – In the midst of skyrocketing real estate and land prices, the government of British Columbia has decided to rezone several agricultural blocks of land as residential but has stipulated that the people who will eventually live on that land will be considered food.
“On the one hand, as global warming contributes to worldwide food insecurity, it makes no sense to turn the little arable land we have left into residential zones,” BC premiere John Horgan explains. “But, on the other hand, rich people and developers are very pushy.”
“We carefully considered all angles of the situation to develop this system whereby anyone who lives on land that was farmland will now be counted as an agricultural product of BC, to be harvested at their natural deaths… or sooner, should the government deem it in the public interest,” Horgan says.
“In other words, you can build your McMansion, but only if you’re willing to become a Happy Meal. Or possibly a bushel of strawberries. We’re still looking into how far we can take this.”
Critics of the plan are split, with some saying classifying people as food sets a dangerous precedent, others saying raising livestock of any species is an inefficient use of fertile farmland, and yet others complaining human meat is relatively tough and flavourless.
One group that is happy with the new system are the homeowners/viands it covers. “I always knew I was like the Kobe beef of people,” local millionaire Robert Anders says, lifting his shirt to reveal a festering burn. “Now I have a brand to prove it.”
“Hell, it’s not like I got rich by caring about what happens after I die.”
At press time, the city of Vancouver was looking into solving its housing crisis by reclassifying the homeless as mobile art exhibits.
