HALIFAX – According to a survey by the Center For Goth Canadian Studies, Nova Scotia has been named the best province to walk into the sea and end it all.
The results of the survey reveal that Over 2000 Canadians who have abandoned the fallacy of hope ranked Nova Scotia the country’s top destination for dramatically whispering a former lover’s name as the waves overtake you one final time.
Nova Scotia Premier Stephen McNeil welcomed the news.
“All life is but a painful joke,” said McNeil as he smoked a clove cigarette and stared into the fog. “And in Nova Scotia, I am the chief jester. We welcome all of Canada’s restless souls to exit this wretched existence in Nova Scotia and be reborn anew in the great beyond. To ease the transition between worlds, I have ordered all railings and flotation devices removed from municipal docks and wharves.”
Whether plunging yourself into the briny depths in front of one of the iconic lighthouses, or wading into the Bay Of Fundy and submitting to will of the indifferent tides, Nova Scotia offers the sweet embrace of a watery grave better than anywhere else in the country.
“That’s something we can all be proud of.” said Tourism Nova Scotia head Geoff MacMillan, sporting an ‘East Coast Death Style’ t shirt. “We do ask that you don’t use rocks from Peggy’s Cove to weigh yourself down, to preserve the iconic landscape for future generations of suicides.”
“We’re hoping this survey, in addition to new sponsored content in the upcoming season of Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why, will allow us to reach a broader audience. Virginia Woolf would have certainly chosen us to end her life, had she known about us. We don’t want to miss out on an opportunity like that again. So come on down to Nova Scotia and take a scenic walk into the historic Lunenburg waterfront!”
Newfoundland came in second in the national poll, with respondents claiming they’d rather just throw themselves off the 12 hour ferry ride than wait any longer. British Columbia was a distant third, as it’s just too nice there.
