NYC – At approximately 11:30 am this morning, celebrity, businessperson, and president-elect Donald Trump exploded.
“It’s really very unfortunate,” said Melania Trump, the future First Lady. “He’s always been unpredictable but no one, absolutely no one, expected this.”
The explosion occurred just as Trump was entering the lobby of Trump Tower after being dropped off by his Towncar and came without any sign or warning to passers-by. Eyewitness accounts suggest that Trump appeared calm, relaxed, and engrossed in reading market reports in the newspaper when he abruptly detonated.
FBI representatives investigating the scene have so far ruled out foul play or terrorism in the explosion but are otherwise mystified as to the cause. No incendiary devices were located near the area and all signs point to a completely spontaneous explosive event emanating from deep within Mr. Trump and propelling outwards with sufficient force to completely dis-incorporate the future president.
Matt Harper, an individual residing near the site where Trump burst, confirmed that the sound of the incident could be heard from blocks away. A butcher by trade, Mr. Harper likened the sound of the event to “a sack of slightly wet deli meat hitting a wall at high velocity”.
Charring and streaks could be seen around the area; however, most witnesses were blocked by security personnel surrounding the blast crater.
Trump supporters expressed their shock and dismay with the turn of events. Many described the man as flawed but straightforward and that, but for the fact that he is now exploded, Trump would have made a great president.
Thankfully, no people other than Mr. Trump were injured when his torso erupted and, other than a brief interruption to subway service while track safety was being checked, most people have resumed their normal daily lives. Police investigators continue to survey the site but admit that there is little they can do at this point since everything but the ultimate cause of Trump’s disintegration appears pretty clear.
Commented Sergeant Jim Rebadow of the NYPD: “Love him or hate him, there is no question that Donald Trump did violently explode today.”
