TORONTO – Recent reports from concerned friends and family have confirmed that the entirety of UofT student Kelly Statler’s existence is evidently now being taken up by a 15-page paper on sexual imagery in medieval art.
“I asked her if she saw “Girls” last night and she just stared at me,” said bestie and roommate, Maria Lambert, “then she asked if by girls I meant the girls in Jean, Duke of Berry’s The Fall, and how their posture indicated a burning desire of the flesh.”
Another friend, who wished to remain anonymous, complained that Statler, who has known about the assignment since term commenced, kept saying she was “too busy” to help her deal with the end of a long term relationship, even as Statler talked for hours about the page length and citation requirements of her paper.
The paper has even taken a severe toll on Statler’s family life. “The last time I called her to see how she was doing and remind her to call her grandfather for her birthday, she just started mumbling about Andreas Cappellanus’ treatise that in 13th century imagery, the mere sight of members of the opposite sex was enough to provoke inborn suffering at the beholder’s own inability to possess them carnally,” said mother Maria.
Reached for comment, Statler said she was too busy right now to do an interview, but did request that pizza and Red Bull be left outside her bedroom door.
At press time, Statler still has no intention of starting the paper earlier than the night before.
