LOS ANGELES – Tensions have risen in the household of thespian Gary Oldman, after his wife and children realized last week that they could not offer a solid description of the Mr. Oldman’s physical appearance.
The prolific actor, known for playing such physically diverse roles as the wheelchair-bound villain of Hannibal and Rolfe, a dwarf, in Tiptoes, is a popular choice in Hollywood for his ability to inhabit seemingly any role.
“I have a general idea but it’s hazy in some key areas. I mean I think he is just a regular looking man with a moustache, but its also possible he could look like a dashing composer with long grey hair,” said wife, Alexandra Edenborough. “Honestly, we shouldn’t even talk about this here. He could be anywhere in the room.”
“Sometimes he’ll forget to tell us he’s working on a new movie,” says eldest son, Alfie. “I almost beaned him with a baseball bat in ’87 when he came home from the Sid and Nancy set looking like a heroin addict. I’m used to it by now but you can imagine how tough it is on my little brothers.”
Said 4-year old Liam: “I have five daddies!”
Reached for comment, director Francis Ford Coppola stated “I’m a huge fan of Gary and I wish I’d had the pleasure of working with him.” Reminded of Oldman’s role in Dracula, Coppola exclaimed, “What? Who was he?… He played Dracula?!”
The Oldman family say the transformations have become so disconcerting that they avoid watching Gary Oldman’s films altogether. They now stick to movies they’re sure he isn’t in, like The Fifth Element or JFK.
They further requested an abrupt end to the interview after looking at this reporter suspiciously and asking “wait, are you him?”
