By: Pierre Poilievre
Good afternoon my fellow Canadians, except the ones I don’t like:
This morning, Conservative MP Marilyn Gladu crossed the floor to Mark Carney’s traitorous, thievery-loving Liberals. Predictably, the mainstream media has begun writing their little thinkpieces about how I have “lost control of my party,” and “don’t know what Canadians want,” and “am wildly disliked by everyone.”
This is untrue and treasonous. While I await your collective apology (which I will not accept), I have compiled a list of five reasons my employees keep leaving me that have nothing to do with me whatsoever.
1: Mark Carney. People think my MPs are drawn to him because of his calm, rational demeanour even though I’m younger, hotter, and don’t hang around banks all day like a friggin’ loser. But the real reason all these MPs are flocking to him is because he’s stealing my ideas! When I definitely get voted in as PM in the next election, I’m stealing them all back, and then all my wayward sheep will return to their kettlebell-loving flock.
2: Free Will. I personally find the concept of free will appalling. If Gladu didn’t have it, she would have been forced to remain supporting conversion therapy and debunked COVID-19 cures in my party. I’m pretty sure Joe (Rogan, my close personal friend) said something during our chat about free will being an illusion, and I really wish that were true. When I am Prime Minister, I will abolish it, along with Carney’s stupid high-speed train thing.
3: Communism. I was going to say “Democracy” here, but thanks to Carney’s Liberals, they’ve practically become the same damn thing. Those sneaky socialists have infiltrated my party and are feeding their little commie lies to my MPs, telling them that the Liberals will give them all free healthcare and houses and personal freedom. It disgusts me. There will be none of that BS in my party, and you’ll thank me for saving you from it when you vote for me, Pierre, in the next election.
4: The Weather. I trust no explanation is necessary here. It’s so obvious, even the stupid NDP can see it.
5: Aliens, probably. I can’t prove this one (yet), but I’ve got my campaign manager Steve Outhouse working on it and we’ll have our evidence in time for the next election. The truth is out there, and it’s going to prove that my party’s massive drop in popularity is completely unrelated to me, my politics, or my total unwillingness to look inward.
So stop blaming me, Canada. I am perfect in every way and have done nothing wrong in politics ever. And if you think I have, I’m adding you to this list. You’ve been warned. Vote Pierre!
