SAN FRANCISCO – In a happy turn of events, airline passengers boarding flights across the United States reported almost no lineups for airport security – especially once ICE agents had wrestled most of the other customers to the ground and dragged them into the backs of unmarked vans.
“That was definitely the fastest I’ve ever gone through!” said a delighted Karen White from Omaha, Nebraska. “Normally I have to wait an hour even though I’m obviously not a terrorist or criminal. I mean, look at me!”
Roaming packs of armed and masked agents in the airport have added an air of reassurance and safety as they drag away sobbing mothers and leave behind screaming toddlers who will be lost and abused in a system created by people with close ties to Jeffrey Epstein.
When asked for a comment, one agent politely responded: “Stand the fuck back, asshole! Do you want to end up missing? Take one step forward and your family never sees you again!”
All through the day passengers were seen turning around at the entrance doors and running back to their cars with suitcases rolling and bumping behind them, thereby keeping lines inside the terminal short and efficient.
At press time a thrilled traveller could be heard shouting, “Woo hoo! I had no line to check my bags! No line for a Starbucks! And now no line here at secur– Hey! AARGH!” as a black bag was jammed over his head and his hands were zip-tied.
The unnamed passanger was last seen getting premium chauffeur service to a privatized concentration camp.
