WASHINGTON D.C. – US President Donald Trump offered warm wishes to the family of Nancy Guthrie, the mother of Today Show host Savannah Guthrie, after confirming that her kidnapping earlier this month was not perpetrated by the Department of Homeland Security.
“We wish Nancy will be home soon,” Trump said in a brief statement, after triple-checking that the terrifying masked man in paramilitary garb who showed up at her home in the dead of night was not in fact an ICE officer.
“It must be really terrible not knowing where your mother is,” he added, after confirming that Guthrie was not being housed in frighteningly inhumane conditions in one of the 212 DHS detention centers, often without a chance to contact loved ones. “Thinking about some violent creep attacking an innocent person and bundling them off to some unknown place, all while they were just sitting quietly not hurting anybody, it makes my blood boil, it really does.”
The process of determining whether the masked man was in fact not ICE took some time, as Homeland Security analysts reported he had that same “glassy, dead-eyed stare, and gaping mouth,” as the 12,000 recent hastily-hired agents. “Plus he also has that same weird off-kilter way of standing, like he’s a 9-year-old boy actively trying not to piss his pants, despite the fact that he’s massively armed and is facing down a terrified civilian. That could be any of our agents.”
At press time, the White House also released well-wishes to the family of Robert Duvall after confirming that Robert Redford was the really liberal one.
