WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the death of Minneapolis resident Renee Nicole Good, Trump Administration officials are unanimously insisting the officer who shot her had completed his routine ICE training on how to exacerbate all violent altercations.
With ICE agents coming under fire for opening fire on American citizens, many are examining the agency’s Escalation Training Module, which teaches unqualified numbskulls to approach all confrontations with guns drawn and aggression dialed up to ten.
“Famously, ICE’s Escalation and Crisis Acceleration training is designed to give our agents all the tools they need to turn any encounter with civilians into a full-blown vicious beatdown,” explained Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem.
“Every one of our ICE agents completes the compulsory 3 week long Escalation Course, which makes it two and a half weeks longer than they get for all other training put together,” Noem added, before ignoring questions to model several new hats for journalists.
United States Vice President JD Vance echoed Noem’s statement, insisting that ICE officer Jonathan E Ross followed his escalation training to the letter when he opened fire on the unarmed mother of three. “By relying on his escalation training, that is how the brave ICE officer was able to determine conclusively that the woman he shot was a ‘fucking bitch’,” Vance asserted to reporters, before then claiming that all ICE agents have ‘absolute immunity’ even though he went to Yale Law School and knows better.
Elsewhere in the Trump Administration, Fox News host Sean Hannity confirmed that ICE’s escalation training is necessary to achieve maximum chaos and accelerationism. “How else are we going to light the fuse that allows this administration to declare martial law and suspend the midterm elections,” Hannity asked his viewers on a recent broadcast. “Thank God, who is white, that all our ICE agents receive training to view every unarmed citizen they encounter with maximum hostility, knowing that any violent act they perpetrate will be either rewarded or pardoned by the president.”
In response, President Trump rambled incoherently for 45 minutes about windmills, Hannibal Lector, and the 1997 PGA Championship, before being hustled to a secure nap room by a glowering Stephen Miller.
At press time, all ICE agents were being offered mandatory training in how to profit as a MAGA influencer after shooting an innocent protestor.
