MINNEAPOLIS, MN – A man who refused to wear a mask to protect other people in 2020 has declared he has no problem wearing one while shooting them.
Kyle Weekes, 31, was staunchly anti-mask during the COVID-19 pandemic, despite its importance in protecting his fellow citizens. “Masks infringed upon my civil rights,” says Weekes, who does not appear to know what either of those words mean. “Like breathing exclusively through my mouth, telling women to smile, and wearing racist makeup on Halloween.”
Weekes’ views changed, however, when he was inspired to join United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or ICE.
“I mean, I’d heard of them when they ran ads on Spotify while I was listening to Joe Rogan,” said Weekes, breathing perfectly fine behind his work-issued attempted identity concealer. “It was only when they set up a recruitment booth at my local Proud Boys rally and I really got to talk to them, I realized what kind of important work they do.”
“Namely: murdering innocent people and arresting toddlers,” Weekes clarified.
Despite spending all of 2020 screaming at customer service workers who asked him to wear a mask, Weekes now proudly wears his ICE-issued mask for a wide variety of activities, including assaulting women, tear gassing bystanders, and making ICE commander Greg Bovino look tall.
Shooting people, of course, remains their top priority. “And these masks help us do that. You can’t spell ‘masculine’ without ‘mask’,” says Weekes, who notably failed the fourth grade.
Weekes’ commanding officer, Brad Seymour, insists that there is a masked method to ICE’s literal madness.
“It’s not like we shoot indiscriminately. There are rules,” says Seymour, speaking unmasked in a crowded room with an active COVID infection. “If they’re a woman? Shoot them in the head. If they’re protecting a woman? Shoot them in the back. They say they’re going to ‘shoot’ some footage? Shoot the camera so they can’t keep showing the world what’s actually happening here. And then shoot them wherever.”
At press time, Weekes was reportedly gearing up to run during the midterms as a Republican.
