MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Following the shooting death of a Minneapolis woman at the hands of ICE agents, President Donald Trump is ordering Americans to “hurry the fuck up” descending into a nationwide conflict that tears the country apart.
“It’s been 3 whole days, what the hell are you idiots all waiting for? Start shooting each other, now!” an irate Trump yelled as he shuffled toward the resort’s make-your-own-omelette station. “She was an unarmed mother of three. And she was white! Do I need to draw you dipshits a diagram?”
Reflecting on the week’s tensions in Minneapolis, Trump outlined the mandate of his federal immigration agents. “Look, it wasn’t an accident that we hired thousands of America’s most-violent meatheads who were too dumb to be local police, armed them to the teeth, and sent them into local communities with zero de-escalation training.”
Trump bellowed, “I don’t wanna watch ‘concerned citizens’ marching in the streets while my private gestapo army sits around on their thumbs. I want to see blood, and I assumed this nation full of fat losers would be able to deliver that. But apparently I was wrong.”
Soon after, members of the Trump administration echoed the president’s demands for “the real show to begin”.
“We live in the most heavily-armed nation on the planet,” explained Vice President JD Vance. “With this many guns it really shouldn’t be hard to achieve our administration’s goal of sparking an armed conflict to serves as a pretext for suspending the 2026 midterms and installing a thousand year reich– I mean, America.”
Vance then noted that the first 10 civil war participants who shoot “evil, socialist leftists” will be granted free absolute immunity by Trump’s DOJ.
Deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller could not be reached for comment as he was busy touching himself to various videos of the Minneapolis protestor being executed.
Meanwhile on Fox News, hosts offered tips on starting the next bloody American conflict that sees brother fighting brother. “It’s really just a matter of picking something that you’re angry about, whether it’s tyrannical government overreach or drag time story hour,” explained prime time host Sean Hannity. “Next, grab up one of the many firearms lying around in your home, walk outside, and shoot the first person who looks a little different from you. That’s how it’s done in the U.S. of A.”
Back at Mar-a-Lago, Trump levelled with the press. “Look, the various ghouls controlling this White House want a civil war for all kinds of different reasons. The Project 2025 guys want a permanent authoritarian state, the tech billionaires want to enslave you all to AI. (Stephen) Miller just wants to touch himself to bodycam shooting footage.”
Trump concluded, “But me? I’m simple – I just wanna watch pathetic losers out in the streets ending each others’ lives. That’s all. So don’t let me down, America!”
At press time, Trump has ordered ICE agents to begin lying down in front of oncoming traffic “so we can finally get some martyrs up in here”.
