North Pole, CA – After years of competition between the two Christmas lovers, Jeff Bezos has finally decided to end Santa Claus’ hold on Christmas by putting a hit out on Saint Nick after holiday season where Mr. Claus dominated headlines and trend reports.
“His business model needs to be put down,” laughed Bezos. “Free toys for the girls and boys? It’s been hurting our bottom line for decades. Only good kids get toys? What about the selfish kids, or the kids that want to go to space rather than feed starving children? Christmas deals on toys are basically free through Amazon, this free toy program is a socialist pipedream that needs to go.”
Other billionaires announced their support of the move, stating that Santa Claus and his socialist dogma is hurting the country by strengthening elven unions. Elon Musk posted on X his support of the move, stating that the reindeers Santa was using was, “Free labour we should be exploiting instead.”
The Trump administration was also quick to celebrate Bezos’ bold move, as it pushes through a bill in the senate to make the assassination of any persons deemed socialist legal as they are now designated, “money terrorists.”
“Santa Claus is a bad man,” said Trump recently when asked about the Epstein files. “Ol’ Saint Nick they call him, the red rube, I’ve heard some people say. He’s breaking into your house, he’s watching the children, while they sleep probably. We’ve gotta get rid of these guys. They want to turn us into socialist-communist Gchina.”
Trump has announced plans to add Jesus Christ to Bezos’ hitlist should the messiah ever return, as the new piece of legislature would designate him as a “terrorist of hope and love.”
