WASHINGTON D.C. – Canadian Ambassador to the United States Kirsten Hillman has abruptly resigned from her post after Secretary of War Pete Hegseth accidentally launched a high-caliber anti-ship missile at her while she was swimming in the pool of her local gym.
“The strike was targeted and precise,” Hegseth told reporters in a press conference Monday outside the Washington DC Goodlife Fitness where the attack took place. “We’d received intelligence that narco terrorists were using the lap pool to smuggle 1000 pounds of cocaine from the hot tub to the sauna, which, if delivered, would have taken at least 900,000 American lives.”
“In fairness,” Hegseth slurred, “Ambassador Hillman does look a whole lot like a Venezuelan speedboat.”
The strike occurred after Navy forces breached the pool room at 7:15 AM and saw a figure – now known to be Ambassador Hillman – floating on a pool noodle.
“The motions the narco terrorist was making, of lying on her back while gently kicking with her feet, her eyes closed, almost as though she was bracing for another seemingly endless day having to humour and placate the worst people alive, confirmed that she was preparing to take aim at our commandos,” Hegseth explained.
While the target was confirmed to be Hillman while she was being treated for injuries at Johns Hopkins, Hegseth continued to assert that even if the strike didn’t hit its intended target, it was still really cool to get it on video for the Christmas party.
