CORNWALL, ON ― 39-year-old landscaper Talia Arsenault became painfully aware of her total lack of refinement recently, when a symphony that had weathered centuries of cultural change thanks to its stirring, intricate construction evoked in her only a flashback to Bugs Bunny in lipstick and heels, seducing Elmer Fudd.
“Now that I’m a full-grown adult, I ought to know at least the composer,” she admitted when the unidentified aria came on in an upscale Italian restaurant. “I wouldn’t recognize any instrumental music at all if it wasn’t used in Looney Tunes. Wait, no. I know Ode to Joy from the Drink Milk commercials.”
Despite Arsenault’s embarrassment, surrounding diners proved even more ignorant, with many unaware that the music was even supposed to be a great classical touchstone, and was not composed in the 60s exclusively for use in the show.
“Wait, you’re telling me people used to dress up and go out just to listen to this? It has no words!” said one astonished man.
“It’s kind of boring without Sylvester running into a wall,” said another, with only a fraction of the thought its composer had given to the placement of every single note.
Though the show ended in 1969, reruns influenced several generations, such that 91% of Juliard’s class of 1987 credited it with inspiring their career. In the business sector, 78% of Canadians admit to trying to Duck Season-Rabbit Season their way to a pay raise, Arsenault amongst them. “It didn’t work, of course, because my boss also watched Looney Tunes.”
But political scientists warn one of the last points uniting Canadians is disappearing, now that Gen Z has forgone television for short videos of strangers dumping ice-cold raw milk over their heads while lip-syncing misinformation. “Nor does their literary knowledge derive solely from the Simpsons. Soon, we’ll have nothing left but grumbling about the time change,” said Corinne Robson at University of Winnipeg.
As of publication, all attempts to identify the song using Shazam and similar apps had simply yielded a plot summary of the Looney Tunes cartoon in which it had been featured.
