OTTAWA – Amid a week of heavily-publicized upheaval in the Conservative caucus, Prime Minister Mark Carney is currently adding even larger deficit spending after realizing that nobody is paying any attention whatsoever to his budget.
With the week’s headlines almost entirely focusing on the defections of Conservative MPs Chris d’Entremont and Matt Jeneroux, the Prime Minister reportedly too a few days to realize that “nobody actually gave a shit what was in his budget”.
“It’s a budget week, which for an economist like me is basically Christmas, Mardis Gras, and birthday sex all rolled into one,” explained Carney, as he kept an eye on his smartphone for more breaking notifications about Conservative turmoil. “However, it took a few days to realize nobody had asked me a single question about the budget we’d tabled, mostly because I was glued to Power & Politics to see what was gonna happen next.”
Carney then pointed to a nearby white board filled with budgetary proposals, including ‘army lasers’, ‘U.S. Border Moat’, and ‘Diefenbunker 2.0’. “That’s when I realized we were functionally invisible on this, so why not throw in more generational spending that’ll take decades for millennials and Gen Z to realize any benefits from?”
The PM added, “Usually you have to finesse this kind of spending, but if nobody’s paying any attention whatsoever, then let’s rack up that VISA card, baby!”
While Carney and the PMO focus on increasingly-ostentatious budget additions, like ‘money canon to housing developers’ and ‘Mecha-Anne Murray’, Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre has struggled to launch a counter narrative.
“Mister Carney’s budget is completely– What? WHO else is planning to quit? I always hated that guy! I mean, we cannot in good conscience support this budget–SHIT! I forgot to move the main amendment criticizing the budget! You gotta write these things down, people! Hold on, ordinary Canadians, it was something about ordinary Canadians… No, I DON’T have time for a comment on another floor-crossing!”
At press time, 95% of Canadians insisted they were planning to get around to reading the new budget, just as soon as this new season of Stranger Things drops.
