SEATTLE, WA – With the ALCS series headed to a winner-take-all game 7, Toronto Blue Jays fans have attempted to gain an advantage over the Mariners by abducting Dr. Frasier Crane, beloved radio personality and Seattle celebrity.
Toronto baseball fans, desperate to see their Blue Jays contend for the World Series, hatched the elaborate prank to demoralize Seattleites by kidnapping the renowned longtime host of KACL’s “Frasier Crane Show”.
“More than the Space Needle or Starbucks, everyone knows Frasier Crane is the heart of Seattle,” explained Jays superfan Gordie B. MacLennan, of Etobicoke. “The biggest challenge was whisking him away without being caught by his retired detective father, or accidentally kidnapping his uptight brother Niles by mistake.”
“I don’t think I have enough doors to slam in my bungalow for all the farce THAT mixup would have caused,” added MacLennan, while drafting a ransom letter to mail to Crane’s witty and sexually confident radio producer, Roz Doyle.
With Jays fans across Canada buoyed by Sunday night’s 6-2 victory over the Mariners, MacLennan and his accomplices hope that their cross-border abduction will gain the Toronto players an edge in tonight’s Game 7. The kidnapped Dr. Crane is reportedly being “well looked after”, being fed a diet of tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
“I’ll bet he would like a bottle of Chateau Mouton to go along with it,” notes MacLennan, “but all I’ve got at home is some Wayne Gretzky Merlot.”
Whether Jays pitcher Trey Yesavage can pull out another come-from-behind victory, or Vladimir Guerrero Jr. can deliver more home runs to catapult the team to the playoffs, Toronto’s hopes will rest on the witty, urbane radio psychiatrist with a heart of gold currently tied to a chair in a basement on Lakeshore East.
“I keep telling you, my name is Kelsey Grammar!” shouted the fussy sophisticate after his mouth gag was removed.”Frasier was a character I played on television many years ago, although there was the recent reboot that was unfortunately cancelled just as it was finding its voice– MMph! MMMph!!!”
At press time Seattle Mariners fans were plotting a retaliatory kidnapping of local convenience store owner Sang-il “Appa” Kim, just as soon as they can discern where in the world he is currently filming a Star Wars movie.
