CALGARY — With the province’s teachers on strike, Danielle Smith’s UCP government has tabled new legislation banning the use of the number 58,008, in order to “protect Alberta’s most precious resource, our children.”
According to sources among Albertan junior high schoolers, the number spells a slang term for breasts when viewed on an upside-down calculator.
Supporters of the bill call the number ban long overdue. “Since the invention of the calculator, kids have had their minds in the gutter,” says concerned parent Kirstin Matthews of Drumheller. “Kids are in school to learn, not to look at pornographic numbers.”
Leah James, an even more concerned parent in Lethbridge, agreed. “An upside-down cross is Satanic. What does that tell you about an upside-down calculator??”
Opponents of the legislation call it one more instance of right-wing prudishness taking a swipe at matters of sex, gender, and sexuality. “I want my sons to learn about the human body, and that includes the tiddies,” said Rob Taylor of Edmonton, perhaps the most concerned parent. “Why can’t they learn it like I did, in math class, giggling their heads off?”
When asked about the huge logistical problems that would come with banning something as fundamental as a number, Premier Smith said the bill is worth the challenges. “Will this cause havoc within every industry and every business in the province? Yes. But do we want Alberta’s kids to get into white vans driven by groomers armed with titillating math stunts? No thank you,” Smith said.
But technology experts warn that calculators have been advancing quickly over recent years, making it hard for government to keep up with the pace of change. They point to graphing calculators, which, in the wrong hands, can go beyond spelling various body parts to actually drawing them.
Concerned parents groups say it’s ultimately up to families to stay current and set limits in line with their values. “We banned the number 69 in our house years ago,” said Matthews, who called the number “rude, lewd, and wildly over-rated.”
Conservative lawmakers are confident the new bill will easily pass in the UCP controlled Legislature, but they may be in for a longer battle than they realize.
According to one source, the other side already has a counter attack waiting in the wings: the number 5,318,008.
