EDMONTON – With training camp about a week away and no sign of Connor McDavid signing an extension anytime soon, Oilers fan and visibly shaking from head to toe human being Malcolm Serrano insists he isn’t worried about it.
“These things take time. I’m sure Connor is just trying to figure out how much of a discount to give to the team in order to help them win a Cup,” said Serrano, as the tea cup he was trying to pick up shook and rattled so violently that he spilled Earl Grey all over himself while taking a sip.
“There’s no way he would leave a team that’s been to consecutive Stanley Cup Finals and has his best friend on it,” he added as sweat began to pour from his brow.
McDavid’s extension was expected to be a mere formality, where he tells the team what he wants and they agree. But his refusal to sign has prompted many media to speculate about him possibly leaving the team to come home to Toronto and the Maple Leafs, a claim the suddenly nauseous for some reason Serrano finds preposterous.
“Yeah, I’m sure he’s going to leave a city where his wife recently opened a restaurant to go to a major media market where winning the Cup would immediately make him an immortal. Their President isn’t even his former agent!”
Serrano wanted to add that the other extension eligible players like Kaprizov and Eichel hadn’t signed either, and why isn’t anybody talking about that, but found his mouth was too dry to speak any more. So his wife stepped in to complete the point.
“The key thing is we’re not worried. That whole ‘no term’ comment he made was taken way out of context. And if Bob Stauffer says he’s staying, he’s staying. Also, unrelated, but is it normal to like, hear your heart beating extremely fast all day long?”
