WASHINGTON D.C. – Amid the ongoing rumours, lies, and coverups related to President Donald Trump’s relationship to notorious sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, White House officials called a press conference yesterday to announce that the president had just been diagnosed with the deadly “Distract From Epstein Scandal-itis”.
“We are all praying for President Trump during this terrible time of extremely convenient illness,” stated Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, mournfully stroking the three-foot cross hanging from her neck. “‘Distract From Epstein Scandal-itis’ is almost as painful as the lies the Clintons, the Obamas, and anyone who ever looked at the many pictures of him and Epstein havin’ a real nice pedophile-y hangout together are telling the left wing media right now.”
“Each and every one of our thoughts, prayers, social media posts, and news broadcasts should be focused solely on the president’s new terrible affliction and absolutely nothing else,” Leavitt continued, nodding at security to strap muzzles on every journalist in the press room who wasn’t Tim Pool. “Because there IS nothing else. Definitely no rapist lists, that’s for sure. Just lists of agonizing symptoms that will tragically limit the president from talking about anything to do with Jeffrey Epstein’s mysterious death.”
White House chief physician Captain Sean P. Barbabella was quick to back up Leavitt’s speech, giving a detailed description of the symptoms of the president’s totally age-appropriate, legal, and consenting illness.
“Distract From Epstein Scandal-itis, or D.F.E.S., presents only when a president is under extreme duress from reporters asking why that president insisted that there was a list of evil child molesters for so long and then suddenly denied it ever existing,” explained Barbabella. “Which is why I just can’t understand why President Trump has come down with it, because he definitely didn’t do any of that! What a scientific mystery!”
“Symptoms include posting insane rants on social media, yelling at their own supporters, completely forgetting about anything related to Epstein Island, and chronic pants-shitting.”
At press time, Trump had just also come down with a bad case of “Rapid Amnesia Pertaining to Inevitable Sexcrimes Trials, or “R.A.P.I.S.T.”
