Donkey Kong Island, DK – Trump has announced that he will be placing a 200 percent tariff on all products imported from Donkey Kong Country.
“We’ve been subsidizing Donkey Kong for too long,” explained the US President in a rambling press conference last Thursday. “I’ve been talking to a good friend, King K. Rool, he’s a good guy, great guy, great business mind, and he’s telling me these apes keep stealing his golden bananas. The US has the best bananas in the world, why are we importing these monkey bananas? You’ve heard of this Lanky Kong guy, complete clown.”
At the time of writing this story, Donkey Kong had responded to the tariff threats with a series of screams and sounds of barrels being thrown against the wall.
“You know this guy he’s not even a Donkey at all,” questioned Trump outside the White House. “They say he’s Japanese, or he came from there at some point, so he’s not even, you know, from his own country. We’re working now with the Japanese but, we can make our own exploding barrels, our own golden bananas you know. I am all about gold, we have a lot of it, best in the world.”
Talks between Donkey Kong Country and the United States have been made more difficult as Cranky Kong, Donkey Kong’s grandfather, is a staunch Trump supporter who wants to separate from Donkey Kong Country and join the US.
Trump has also announced tariffs on other places that have coasted under the radar for too long, like the Mushroom Kingdom, Skyrim, and Hyrule.
“This Link guy just never talks,” complained the President about recent trade talks with Hyrule. “I’m sitting there, offering him some McDonald’s we picked up and he just sits there staring at me. Very short, these Hyrulian guys. And their other leader, Princess Zelda, very rude woman. Then he pulls out this little flute, a glockarino or something, teleports right out of the room. Very rude, we don’t need deku nuts or heart containers or whatever they’re selling. Rupees are going up for sure.”
