TEXAS – Following Linda Yaccarino’s departure as CEO of X this morning, Elon Musk wasted no time holding a press conference to announce her successor: a ouija board with a direct supernatural connection to the ghost of Adolf Hitler.
“This ouija board was Linda’s natural successor!” Musk yelled into the microphone, brandishing the board above his head with the enthusiasm of a hyperactive toddler at Christmas. “Finally, my company will be run by someone who understands what we at X are trying to do: champion anti-semitism and spread Nazi ideology with seemingly zero repercussions.”
Musk took a moment to passionately kiss the ouija board before adding, “I speak to Adolf every morning now, and he’s got some great ideas for what we should do with X moving forward. I particularly liked his idea to make a new Swastika checkmark if you qualify as a member of what he calls the ‘Master Race’.”
“Plus, Adolf says that I am the perfect man to artificially inseminate all women of pure descent. He called it ‘Lebensborn’ or something, ha ha. He’s so epic.”
A Musk aide, who asked repeatedly to remain anonymous, confided that he’d heard his boss talking to the board daily for weeks, asking for its advice on how to improve the site’s AI chatbot, Grok.
“I’d hear him chanting, ‘Adolf is based’ three times in a row before starting to ask the board questions like ‘How can I make Grok less woke and more white?’ and ‘is villainizing Jewish people cringe or leet?’” The aide looked over his shoulder, before continuing, “And then there would be a lot of shouting in a German accent about maximizing shareholder profits by renaming our Board of Directors ‘The Dank Gestapo 2.0’.”
When asked why he remained working for a company that visibly promoted the values of Adolf Hitler, the staffer shrugged. “I mean, all the big companies, public figures, and worldwide institutions are still there, so why should I feel guilty about it?”
At press time, the ouija board had just suggested a new rule that would require X users to Sieg Heil in order to access their DMs.
