NEW YORK CITY – Following the sudden cancellation of The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, CBS has announced a revamp of their prime-time line-up designed to appease the Trump administration with the launch of the Late Show with Jon Voight.
“We at CBS Entertainment have been trying to get Jon Voight behind a late night desk for years,” Amy Reisenbach, President, CBS Entertainment said in a statement. “So when the president announced he was appointing Jon Voight, Mel Gibson, and Sylvester Stallone as ‘Special Ambassadors to Hollywood,’ it was a golden opportunity to bring this acting legend home to CBS.”
Every night the Anaconda star will deliver a topical monologue on issues all Americans can agree on like ‘why don’t people stand for the national anthem anymore’, followed by top-ten lists such as ‘10 reasons Defund The Police is communism’ and ‘10 best ways to get the Trump administration to stop suing you by firing a beloved host for making fairly light-hearted criticism of your backroom deal.’ He will also have a band fronted by Oliver Anthony, that bearded ginger fellow who went viral with the ‘Rich Men North Of Richmond’ song last year.
“We’re already working on the show’s premiere which will be a star-studded affair,” the statement continued. “Jon will be joined by such Hollywood megastars as Scott Baio, James Woods, and Kevin Sorbo with music by Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. There may even be room for some Fox News hosts the president likes.”
CBS also announced they are retooling their prime-time schedule to include an edition of Big Brother filmed on location at the “Alligator Alcatraz” internment camp in Florida, NCIS: ICE which follows the brave, masked men who protect America from potentially undocumented school children and How I Met Your Step-Mother After Your Birth Mother Was Deported Despite Living In The U.S. Since She Was 4.
Finally there is the much-anticipated return of “Young Sheldon,” in which Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. attempts to cure Sheldon’s autism with shark’s blood.
Ms. Reisenbach concluded her statement with a call to the current administration for additional programming suggestions.
“We’re totally open to ideas,” she said. “Golf programming of just Trump winning championships at his own clubs? Sure. Replace Jon Stewart with (Fox News host) Gregg Guttfield? You got it. Bring back Hee Haw? I mean, I guess. CBS brought that show in to replace the Smothers Brothers who were also canceled for totally financial reasons. It’s kind of a tradition at CBS.”
