WASHINGTON D.C. – With Trump’s order to bomb Middle Eastern nuclear sites potentially drawing the United States into a war with Iran, the President urged all Americans to recall whatever rationalizations allowed them to support the US Invasion of Iraq in 2003.
“Many Americans are reportedly worried that my targeted strikes on Iran mean that the U.S. has now entered a war with Iran, and they are 100% correct,” Trump said during a televised address from the Oval Office. “And since we’re definitely going ahead with this war, it’d make things a lot easier if everybody would just think back to whatever propaganda, manufactured evidence, or mindless jingoism allowed them to support that previous war of choice.”
The U.S. Commander in Chief suggested that Americans assuage their fears of a protracted Middle Eastern conflict by recycling the flimsy rationalizations that allowed Americans to support the war in Iraq, up to the point of re-electing President George W. Bush in 2004. “Though I should add, I am opposed to recycling and will be outlawing it later this year,” Trump noted.
Returning to the topic of his Iran war, Trump was blunt. “Be honest, do you think my administration made of up antivax freaks and the rejects of the Fox & Friends green room could handle manufacturing all-new consent for this Middle Eastern war? Besides, we’re a. pretty anti-consent bunch.”
“So do whatever you gotta do,” Trump added. “Tell yourself that ‘Iran has WMDs’ or that we’re going in to get their oil or whatever nonsense worked on you last time,” Trump added, “Because I sure as hell don’t care enough about you to bother coming up with any new lies.”
Asked why Americans should harken back to previous turn of the century lies, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth addressed reporters during happy hour at a local Chili’s. “It’s actually super convenient: Those two countries are next door neighbors, they’re basically spelled the same, and in 2003 the U.S. also toppled a regime with absolutely no plan for how to reconstruct the country or region afterwards. It’s practically the same war!”
Sec. Hegseth added, pounding back his third boilermaker, “All those old 2003 lies should totally still work, leaving me time to focus on getting up enough of a buzz to do cable hits.”
Across the nation, everyday Americans responded to the President’s suggestion that they retreat to their Iraq war reasonings.
Clayton Jenser of Mobile, Alabama notes, “I spend a lot of time wishing housing prices would go back 20 years, so getting into that mindset will be a snap for me.”
“I’m still convinced that Iraq did 9-11,” says Mary-Beth Stingley of Kansas City, “So maybe now I can just pretend the King of Iran did it instead.”
“I was concerned it might be hard to delude myself this much,” added Greg Tillsons of Reno, Nevada, “But then I saw all the same discredited pundits who advocated for the Iraq war back on cable news and the opinion pages, so I had no trouble getting back into that mindset.”
Trump concluded his televised address, “Do yourselves a favour and just act like it’s 2003 all over again. Buy a little flag, yell at a brown guy. Besides, everything was better back in the early 2000s – a Big Mac cost $2.35, Outkast had some hits, and I was riding high on the first season of The Apprentice which cemented America’s perception of me as a savvy businessman instead of a bankrupt con artist who would eventually lead our entire nation into another disastrous Middle Eastern forever war.”
Trump then signed off by encouraging Americans to tune in for his next televised address where he will use Iran’s inevitable military retaliation to declare martial law in Blue State cities.
