SASKATOON – As they gather with PM Mark Carney for the meeting of First Ministers, the Premiers of Canada’s provinces are steadfast in their belief that the best way to oppose Donald Trump’s tariffs and attacks on our sovereignty is to do the things they’ve wanted to do for years.
“Donald Trump has inadvertently united Canadians like we’ve never seen before,” read a joint statement from Danielle Smith, Doug Ford and Francois Legault. “And that makes it more important than ever that the Prime Minister commit to building pipelines/making alcohol easier to buy/protecting the French language.”
“Also, making life harder for Trans people. That one kind of works across the board.”
The mostly Conservative Premiers of Canada’s provinces have spent numerous hours coming up with the best policies Mark Carney could pursue to create the kind of patriotic, nation-building moment that Donald Trump’s aggression calls for, all of which happen to line up nicely with the priorities they’ve been pursuing since long before the 2024 election.
“I will take these recommendations into consideration,” said Carney during the public press conference. “And while I’m not sure exactly how ripping up bike lanes or getting Nova Scotia an NHL team would ‘totally show Trump’ I will do my best to make everyone happy.”
At press time we at The Beaverton think it would make Trump absolutely furious if the government made the TTC suck less.
