OTTAWA – Canadians thinking of planning a trip to the United States are being advised by the Government of Canada to perhaps consider going anywhere else on the entire fucking planet for their summer vacations.
“Have you people not seen the fucking news? Does that look like a fucking good time to you?” asked a statement released by Global Affairs Canada this past Friday. “They’ve got masked dudes in hoodies throwing white dudes in gulags, do you seriously want to be a fucking part of that? What the fuck have they got down there that’s worth contracting a tropical disease in a Mad King’s Central American forever-prison? Are you that fucking desperate for In-N-Out Burger? Is there nowhere else on this fucking earth where you can order a sort-of-raw hamburger from someone who doesn’t give a shit where Manitoba is? Don’t go to the fucking United States. Fuck.”
Global Affairs Canada followed up this statement with an addendum reminding Canadians that the currency exchange rate is also not very good.
Governors of several US states have responded to the government’s messaging in an attempt to win back reluctant Canadian tourists.
“Canadians are welcome in California. It’s perfectly safe to visit,” said Governor Gavin Newsom. “Just so long as you take a few basic travel precautions, like travelling on a valid passport, teleporting over the border, moving undetected in the shadows in the dead of night, getting the telephone number of an immigration attorney tattooed to your upper thigh, saying a heartfelt goodbye to your pets and the people who love you, and appointing someone to water your plants just in case you disappear into a labyrinthian nightmare of an extrajudicial immigration enforcement system that no longer answers to judge nor common mercy.”
Some Canadians have indicated that, despite the warnings, they intend to continue travelling to the United States.
“See, our family is actually hoping to visit El Salvadore,” said 43-year-old Hamilton resident Gary Warren. “And when we looked into it, it turns out that it’s just way cheaper to drive to Buffalo than book flights to Central America.”
Canadians looking for fun and safe alternatives to US travel this summer are being encouraged to travel within Canada, book a trip to a European country, or simply stay home and pop in a copy of Grand Theft Auto V.
