WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move that shook global markets and surprised even some supporters, President Donald Trump announced major tariffs on all products made outside the United States, entirely intended as retaliation for the death of beloved film star Val Kilmer.
“Val Kilmer was a Very Brilliant Actor,” the President stated in a later Truth Social post. “And I realized in a WEIRD DREAM that the only way to avenge his death was through a 10% tariff on all imported goods! Make America Great Again! Tombstone!”
International allies and adversaries alike have thus far struggled to respond to the tariffs, while also familiarizing themselves with the late Kilmer’s body of work. Meanwhile, the 47th President of the United States sternly condemned America’s trade partners in an impromptu press conference, flanked by glossy blown-up frames from several of Kilmer’s films including Top Gun, The Doors, and Batman Forever.
“Just think of the beautiful films he did. Top Secret!, what a film, what a film. Very underrated. New Zealand’s not gonna get away with this, that’s all I have to say.”
“Also, might do 100% tariffs on Japan, might not. Val would’ve wanted it that way,” Trump added, hugging a photo of Kilmer as Jim Morrison while a stunned White House press pool watched in horrified silence.
Already, some of the President’s more vocal supporters are speculating optimistically about the impact of the new Kilmer-inspired tariffs.
“This is just another move in the 10-dimensional chess game Trump is playing” explained Fox News personality Laura Ingraham. “He is making sure that global markets will think twice before they just stand there and let a talented performer die again.”
“Clearly these spontaneous tariffs will reshape the entire global economy to America’s benefit AND honor the late great star of Heat,” enthused conservative political commentator Tucker Carlson, “The only other explanation is that we’re watching and supporting the delusional rantings of a madman, which is frankly too terrifying to consider. Go tariffs!”
At press time Trump as announced 25% tariffs on all Canadian-made automobiles, except maybe not, but also probably yes and it’s 50%.
