TORONTO – One week after signing a 12 year deal for NHL broadcasting rights that cost twice as much as their last deal, Rogers CEO Tony Staffieri said the deal is an investment in the company’s ability to force Canadians to continue to watch absolutely terrible hockey coverage multiple times a week.
“For Canadians hockey is more than a game, it’s a way of life,” said Staffieri. “And for Rogers, our way of life is forcing those Canadians to watch Ron MacLean open every broadcast with a story about the time Punch Imlach ate a bowl of porridge in Moose Jaw or some other bullshit.”
“And don’t worry, we secured iron clad protections for our right to have everyone involved in calling Leafs games express clear disdain for the team at all times.”
Many commentators were surprised that Rogers doubled down on its deal with the NHL, given reports they lost money on the last one. But for Rogers execs, the deal is a way to continue their companies legacy of making Canadians lives just a little bit worse everyday with phones, internet, cable and now sports.
“Seeing all the talk online from people excited for TSN or Amazon to get the rights because they ‘actually like hockey’ and ‘understand that tv is supposed to be entertaining’ – I’d have paid another billion cash just to see their faces when they got the news,” said Staffieri.
The company has already announced plans to continue its mission of making the best sport on earth unwatchable, including additional surprise blackouts, live betting odds on the screen during game play, and more Nick Kypreos.
