KITCHENER, ON – Sources report that Brody Richards, 33, desires to bring small humans into the world while apparently unaware that he will also be required to parent them.
“Oh yeah, I can’t wait to have kids,” says Richards. “Tossing a ball around, wrestling for thirty seconds before bed making sure they’re too amped up to sleep, showing them all MY favourite movies. Why wouldn’t someone want kids?”
Asked who is expected to care for said children the other twenty-three hours and forty-five minutes of the day, Richards answered, “That’s why they have their mom, and her mom, and my mom. You know what they say: it takes a village – of moms.”
Does Richards believe that parenting is strictly women’s work? “Of course not,” he says defiantly. “Some teachers are dudes.”
Richards appears to be unaware of several other normal adult responsibilities, including the fact that soaking dishes is not the same as washing them, that laundry does not do itself, and that cooking is a basic life skill that doesn’t end at scrambled eggs and burritos. His understandings about the realities of parenting, however, remain the most egregious.
“I just think the 15-year-old girl I’ll pay five bucks an hour to make sure my bloodline doesn’t end while I’m out at the bar is more qualified to teach my kids about being a person than I am,” explains Richards, who, to be fair, does suck at being a person. Asked if he believes babysitting is also strictly women’s work, Richards declared, “Of course not. I’ll definitely babysit my own kids,” as though that’s a statement to be proud of.
“Besides,” he continues, “if I turn out to be bad at it, I can always just cut my losses and try again when I’m fifty.”
At press time, Richards’ girlfriend was preparing for parenthood by parenting her man-child of a partner.
