EDMONTON – Former Prime Minister Stephen Harper appeared at a Pierre Poilievre campaign rally this week, in an attempt to make the current Conservative leader appear human and likeable by comparison.
With Poilievre’s poll numbers flagging, Conservative insiders invited Harper onstage in an attempt to suck so much energy out of the room that the current candidate might actually appear warm and lively.
“It is I. Stephen Harper,” intoned the former Canadian PM, addressing the assembled crowd in his trademark monotonous drone that is somehow both bland and off-putting.
“Something you might not know about me, is that I love Conservative leaders who are both cool and fun. One of my all time favourites, is Pierre Poilievre,” Harper noted, before taking a full minute to fashion his right hand into a thumbs up.
With his newly-silver hair still looking as plastic as ever, the previous Conservative leader explained how his endorsement was sparked by Poilievre’s inability to connect with women, Ontarians, and people who never want to hear a fucking word about crypto again.
“I stand before you all tonight, in hopes that my utter void of personality will trick your brains into believing that Mr. Poilievre possesses the baseline human emotions necessary for voters to see him as a viable option.”
Backstage, Poilievre campaign manager Jenni Byrne explained the decision to tap the legendarily unappealing former PM for an endorsement.
“We asked Pierre if he could try smiling a bit more, or say anything positive about Canadian unity, or maybe even turn some of those famous attack dog lines against the American PM who is literally threatening our country,” Byrne recalled. “But making that change was like when Pierre and I used to date, and I’d ask him to reciprocate in the bedroom – he outright refused.”
Byrne added, “So instead we just stuck Mr. Poilievre him next to this blue-eyed android, to maybe create a contrast. On a related note you know anybody that’s currently hiring Conservative campaign managers?”
As paramedics removed several rally-goers who had fallen asleep on their feet listening to Harper speak, the almost fascinatingly-mundane Harper continued his endorsement.
“I have spent the last decade leading a union of far-right populist leaders across the globe, helping to elect autocrats like Viktor Orbán, Jair Bolsonaro, and Donald Trump. That’s why I am up here asking you to vote for Pierre Poilievre, who compared to me is basically Chester Cheetah.”
“End transmission,” Harper concluded, standing eerily still until a pair of stagehands arrived to wheel him away on a dolly.
