OTTAWA – After being dropped from leaders’ debates in the upcoming Canadian election due to not having enough candidates in the race, the Green Party announced that, until they were allowed to participate again, they would keep adding co-leaders until they’d formed an army capable of crushing every other party on the goddamn debate stage.
“Oh, we don’t have enough candidates, huh?” Elizabeth May said, forcefully grabbing a random stranger off the street and slapping a “Co-Leader” sticker on his T-shirt. “You assholes are gonna regret saying that. Just you wait. There are going to be so many of us there won’t be a square inch of space left in the debate chambers.”
“Mark my words, we’re going to add so many co-leaders to our party it’ll make the Borg seem like a fucking book club.”
Co-leader #2 Jonathan Pedneault shared May’s rage, and agreed to speak only to reporters who were willing to assimilate into the party.
“You think we’re playing around?” he asked, tattooing “Co-Leader #46” onto a Rebel News reporter’s forehead. “I locked Mark Carney in a box until he agreed to join us. Took him five minutes due to lack of air. And I’ve sent Poilievre’s team a letter saying that if he doesn’t accept our leadership offer, we would single-handedly leak the video we have of him asking if biological clocks are actual clocks.”
“We swear that, unless we are allowed to debate again, y’all better prepare yourselves for a hundred-armed, thousand-legged, environmentally-friendly co-leader monstrosity that oozes its way onto the English-language debate stage tonight. We will not stop until the entirety of the Leaders’ Debate Commission is squealing in fear like the undemocratic cowards they are.”
May nodded, pulling out a needle and a spool of green thread. “The Canadian political landscape has underestimated us for the last time. We are gonna Co-Leader Human Centipede this bitch.”
At press time, it was revealed that you had just been named as the newest Green Party’s co-leader, and needed to report to the Hive Mind immediately.
