OTTAWA – Reports are coming in that Canadians from coast to coast engaged in horrifying acts of rudeness, thoughtlessness, and impoliteness during this year’s Purge Day: Canadian Edition.
“The famously self-effacing spirit of our country doesn’t just happen,” said Emmett Barwick, Professor of Sociology at Memorial University of Newfoundland. “We need a day to blow off steam from relentlessly apologizing and putting ourselves last. But with all the chaos going on in the world lately, people have been taking this tradition further than ever.”
Terrified observers noted people putting empty pop cans into the garbage rather than the recycling, passengers disembarking from buses without thanking the driver, and office workers eating the last Timbit without asking if anyone else wants it.
“What’s happening to my country??” wept Halifax construction worker Jordan Boone. “I saw someone coming the other direction on the sidewalk, and we didn’t do that little dance of trying to dodge out of each other’s way. We collided, and I swear he almost gave me the stink-eye as we helped each other up.”
“I’m used to savage acts on Purge Day: Canadian Edition, like CBC announcers pronouncing ‘schedule’ with a ‘k’ sound,” said Edmonton banker Emma Domínguez, “but this year, I offered three different coworkers my homegrown zucchinis, and they all looked me straight in the eye and said ‘no, thank you.’”
While this Purge Day: Canadian Edition was particularly brutal, the conclusion was marked, as usual, with the entire country coming together in a spirit of togetherness and co-operation to destroy every Boston Pizza location.
