By: Chris Standin
President Trump has gone ahead with his long rumoured plans to put a 25% tariff on all Canadian goods sold in the United States (other than energy, which got 10%). He believes he can use brute economic force to make us bend the knee, and possibly even annex us. But he does not realize how strong Canadians are, how much we love our country, and how much we will go to absolute war over even the most minor slight.
We are the country that conquered Vimy Ridge after the British and French failed. The nation that invented peacekeeping and insulin. And the people that are honestly still pretty mad about a french judge costing our figure skaters a gold medal 23 years ago. We raised such a stink the Olympics eventually let them share the gold medal with the original winners and we still complain about it to this day.
You think we’re going to beg for your mercy Donald? That we’ll just give in to whatever insane demands you make on our industries, our borders, our very sovereignty? I doubt it. Did Terry Fox stop running his daily marathon on one leg just because it rained? No. Did the Red Army stop Henderson from winning the Summit Series? I don’t think so. Did decades passing get Oilers fans to finally forgive Wayne Gretzky’s wife for maybe having a hand in him being traded to L.A.? Absolutely fucking not.
At the end of the day, Canada is many things. But above all else, we’re a bunch of grudge holding motherfuckers. You’ve taken your shot at us, so now we won’t rest until we get you back. And not just with the big, tariff stuff. Get ready for a whole bunch of small, ultimately inconsequential but still pretty annoying moves from us. We’re going to boo your anthem, pour out your bourbon, and continue not driving your Cybertrucks. We might even turn off the electricity for the northeast right before the Super Bowl. Fuck it. Why not?
Think of us like John Wick (starring Keanu Reeves, one of many great Canadian performers we’ve been kind enough to send your way you ungrateful fucks). We didn’t want a fight. But you killed our dog. Time for us to go full Baba Yaga.
