MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Speaking from his private resort President-Elect Trump explained that, despite his rhetoric, he won’t be able to make good on his threats to annex Canada because of his bone spurs.
“Believe me, I want to do it. Itching to do it. But unfortunately my doctors tell me that any combat is out of the picture because of my bone spurs,” Trump deflected, “Bone spurs everywhere. Yep, I’ve got ‘em. Just filled with bone spurs.”
Trump’s medical team were vague in confirming his comments. While they did suggest that Trump’s medical history shows the existence of bone spurs in his heels for “totally legit, non-draft-dodgy reasons”, they were less clear on how that could affect the ability for the nation’s army to take military action.
“It’s sad. I know Canadians would welcome me with open arms and wouldn’t fight back but I don’t think the U.S. army would want to invade unless I was with them, leading the charge,” he boasted.
“But bone spurs,” he shrugged.
This marks the latest time Trump has used bone spurs to get out of a challenging situation he created for himself. In the past, he has used bone spurs to excuse his weight, poor scholastic achievements, history of underwhelming business accomplishments, cheating on his first wife with his eventual second wife, and cheating on his third wife generally.
“I want to make perfectly clear: this is a medical issue and entirely unrelated to the suggestion that I have, at my core, a deep well of cowardice tempered by an inability to deal with the consequences of the things I do or say,” Trump blathered. “My fear of publicly losing face is fake news.”
Trump continued to explain that, despite his promises, he also would be unable to bring an end to the wars in Ukraine, Gaza, on drugs, on poverty, on immigration, and the “space ones from the Avatar movies with the hot blue chicks” because of his bone spurs.
Shockingly, at the end of Trump’s prepared remarks, an enormous bone spur erupted from his body as he screamed in agony, causing the President-to-be to storm off into the streets, shrieking. Anyone encountering Trump is cautioned to maintain a distance until the authorities can capture and subdue him.
