TORONTO – As rumours and speculation fly around whether or not the Blue Jays will acquire free agent and four-time All-Star Juan Soto, Soto was recently spotted talking to Shohei Ohtani about the most effective ways to get Canadians’ hopes up before crushing them into the dirt.
“The first thing you need to do is rent a private jet, pretend to get on it, and then anonymously post a bunch on X saying that you’re on your way to Toronto,” Ohtani was overheard telling Soto over lunch. “Those poor Canadian chumps will lap it up and immediately start constructing a statue in your honour right in the middle of the Rogers Centre field.”
“If you can get a middling CBC television star to be the one actually flying in the plane that would be great. I got a guy from Dragon’s Den. Maybe you could get one from Murdoch Mysteries?”
After Soto suggested the plane thing had kind of been done, Ohtani gave him a number of other helpful ways to get Jays fans’ spirits soaring before immediately reminding them of the pain that, deep down, they know they deserve for being fans of a Toronto sports team. They include making a video where he goes bird watching and is delighted when he spots a blue jay, grabbing lunch with a Canadian celebrity like Michael Cera, and giving an interview where he talks about his love of retractable roofs.
“He told me that so many Canadian fans felt burned from their experience with him last year that if I really wanted to convince them I was signing with the Jays, I’d have to go big. And that’s why I’ve just paid a body double to walk around something called the ‘TTC’ swinging a bat and throwing baseballs at people.”
Soto began laughing so hard he had to wipe his tears away with ten thousand dollar American bills. “They’re gonna be so sad, they might even kidnap Ross Atkins and force him to re-sign Guerrero Jr. just to give them some hope to hold onto. Poor little guys.”
At press time, Soto admitted that he didn’t actually believe Toronto was a real place.
