REGINA, SK – In a groundbreaking speech, Dr. Jeremy Edgar of Fairmont Grover Health Research Institute, delivered new findings that the female body may have innate biological differences than male bodies.
“This goes way beyond boobies and peepees,” said Dr. Edgar as he adjusted a blonde wig on a science lab skeleton in the name of “equality.” “I started to suspect something when my sister-in-law died of a stroke. She’d come to me saying she felt weak, was vomiting, and started having hallucinations. I simply put my hand up for a high-five and said ‘sounds like a friday night to me, sister!’”
Edgar added, “But now I realize they may have been symptoms of a stroke. Either that or she was sick from a new diet and then died from the flu or something.”
Another doctor at the conference, Dr. Sonny Pollard stated similar confusion in the past: “I used to think the big difference in men and women medically was size. Women have smaller legs, smaller head, smaller wrists, but bigger hair. Turns out, the uterus plays a HUGE part in their medical life. Like, if it hurts too much down there, you may have an ovarian cyst – which I thought was a made-up thing from a Margaret Atwood novel. Or it actually could be normal to hurt down there too. It’s a fun little mystery.”
Many doctors at the conference also confessed to having a list of stock answers when a female identifying patient would come in with an issue they weren’t familiar with. A poll showed the most common responses to be: 1. You are pregnant, 2. You need to lose weight, 3. Just try to relax more, and finally, 4. I can’t give you medical advice until your father or husband approves.
A patient of Dr. Edgar’s, Elisha Norman who is a 25 year-old woman, was impressed by her doctor’s theories. Norman said, “Oh! That would explain why I’ve been going to several doctors complaining of extreme fatigue for multiple years, only to finally learn the word ‘anaemia’ from a random Tumblr post. It would be so great for my doctor to understand how my body worked. I’ve done so much research on my own body, I could essentially be a doctor myself. Turns out I have ADHD, POTS, and a pineapple allergy! But I’m glad my 55 year old male doctor is finally learning science!”
Norman also shared that in the past, it’s been easier for women to simply get a chemistry degree and start making their own birth control in their bathrooms at home.
At press time, Dr. Edgar was seen asking random women he knew for urine samples to see if women’s urine “taste different”.
