SLOCAN, BC — Life coach Skye Morgan reported that the mystical healing experience she had at an ayahuasca retreat last weekend concluded with an unexpected element: a survey qualifying her to win a $25 Amazon gift card.
“I feel so blessed to have made this journey,” Morgan said of the seven hour ceremony that involved drinking a viscous psychotropic tea. “I communed with my childhood self, I travelled inside a molecule, and I bathed in holy light that filled me with compassion. There was also a lot of vomiting.”
Morgan then heard the small, still voice of the universe which whispered of life and eternity and asked her a series of questions about whether or not she would recommend the ceremony to family and friends.
“It asked if the ceremony mats were of a pleasant thickness,” said Morgan, “and if (shaman) Ronin Zubi’s chanting was of a pitch to sufficiently ground into my bones like a drill. It also asked me to rate the flavour of the ayahuasca on a scale from one to ten, one being ‘super disgusting’ and ten being ‘eating out an interdimensional being’s asshole.’”
“Mama Ayahuasca is capable of healing many believers,” said shaman Ronin Zubi (real name Kyle Wiebe). “And at the end of the healing session, the universe needs to know if the experience was the kind of experience people will tell their followers about, and if not, the universe needs to adjust the experience to be a more popular experience because while enlightenment is free, rent in B.C. is not.”
“Being asked these questions helped me question everything,” Morgan said. “I finally took a good hard look at the story I’ve always told myself about whether or not I deserve love. This led to the most profound sense of wellbeing and completeness I’ve ever had, which was only compounded by the thought of winning that gift card so I can buy this body-pillow I’ve had my eye on. It’s shaped like a baguette!”
At press time, participants in a psilocybin ceremony on Saltspring Island reported contact with alien beings who asked them compassionate and penetrating questions about how satisfied they are with their internet provider.
