TORONTO – The Ontario government has ordered a handful of high-altitude jet planes to try and stanch the rash of thieves making off with the helicopters that were purchased to staunch the rash of car thefts in the province.
“We can assure the public that our officers are being careful and not leaving the keys in the doors of the helicopters. We just may have underestimated how easy they are to hot wire,” explained Ontario Provincial Police Commissioner Thomas Carrique. “Turns out, once you get a copter off the ground, it’s pretty easy to get away with them. Luckily, these new jets should give us the height, speed, and if necessary, firepower to apprehend these carjacking criminals.”
It’s estimated that as much as 75% of the province’s helicopter fleet has already been stolen, with the highest profile case involving a crew of four men who made off with at least 5 air vehicles after raiding an unmanned OPP station in Barrie. Only one of the stolen helicopters has as yet been recovered, after police discovered it being used in an illegal air race over a Tim Hortons.
According to Carrique, the OPP is struggling to find a use for the jets outside of catching copter thieves. “These jets are too loud to use in a stakeout, tend to overshoot the suspect when we use them for high-speed chases, and they kind of make us look hypocritical when we use them for speed traps. But we’ve got to get these copter-jackings under control so we can deal with the out-of-control ground crimes, which are also spiking.”
“We were going to leave some bait-choppers in a few bad neighbourhoods to get leads, but now we can’t spare any.”
At press time, the Ontario government is also planning to purchase a fleet of space shuttles to ward off any attempts to steal the jets, a fleet of star-fighters in case anyone tries to steal the shuttles, and a fleet of Death Stars in case to prevent anyone from making off with the star-fighters.
