OAKVILLE, ON – Heralding its new offerings as the culmination of nine years of intense laboratory research, Tim Hortons president Axel Schwan proudly announced that the franchise’s new lineup of pizzas are made with 100% Canadian cardboard.
“We’re a proudly Canadian institution and we want to showcase the best Canada has to offer,” said Schwan, in a statement to reporters. “That’s why our dough is made with nothing but the finest Newfoundland pulp.”
The company’s new campaign emphasizes how it uses only single origin cardboard selected from small, independent paper mills throughout the island’s north shore, known for their unique umami flavour.
Schwan said that while Tim Hortons wasn’t able to source everything for their new pizzas from within Canada, he assured customers that they can still count on all of the ingredients to be “genuine matter” and that the new offering “will be made fresh…in our plant in Gimli.”
The announcement is part of the company’s effort to “stretch the brand” to afternoon and evening mealtimes.
“Canadians aren’t used to having Tim Hortons for dinner – especially pizza,” explained marketing executive Roberta Beardley. “That’s why we’ve made the Boston Cream pizza our marquee new flavour. It combines the novelty of our new pizza format with the familiar comfort of our Boston Cream’s signature stevia and cum flavour to ease them into the concept.”
Sources inside the company say other new menu items are in development, but would only confirm the commissioning of studies “to finally determine once and for all what the steeped tea is steeped in.”
The company is confident of success with its new meals.
“We are frankly amazed by what Canadians will eat,” Schwan told reporters. “We repeatedly told our focus groups that they had nothing to prove. But they just gobbled it down.”
